Hello Humans!
This year I am writing the annual Christmas/New Years letter for my human companions Nina and Matthew. They seem to be too busy to schedule time to write it themselves. I personally don’t think they plan very well. It’s not like the female human doesn’t do this every year...
Anyway, some of you may know me but for those who do not, my name is Zippy. I know you are wondering why Petie isn’t writing since she is the eldest cat and I suppose the wisest but she knew that I took a class in human trait language analogy last year, so she told me to give it a shot.
My human, Nina, typically writes this and to her defense has done ok on previous attempts. Still, I have found them to be slightly on the bragging - boorish side. I hope to transform this tradition into a work of art rather than have it regarded in the same fashion as the holiday fruitcake - getting little to no respect. (I personally like chopped liver pâté.)
Nina gave me a bunch of notes that I HAVE to incorporate into this letter however, I WILL be taking artistic license. The mere fact that I never leave my dwelling place and accompany the humans on their daily adventures, requires me to rely on my imagination to envision what they describe and even understand what they are talking about! Thank goodness for the internet. I have researched many of the items in question.
I have learned over my three years of life, for some reason many humans hate getting Christmas/New Years letters. I personally like to sit back with a bowl of warm milk while watching the yule log DVD and read all of the letters my humans have received. I look for the top runners and then together we have a dramatic reading on New Year's Eve for the most outlandish. To those of you coming to the annual sushi New Years event, make sure to bring a letter you have received. We can then ceremoniously burn them.
So here we go...I had my first experience in moving this year. I knew something was up when my human bought a toilet brush. We left the tiny cave apartment and moved into a big old house on the “West side”. I made sure Nina pried the numbers off of the apartment door and take them with us so that we could keep the same address. I thought it would be confusing if she changed it. I have friends in this town and some of them don't have such a keen sense of smell any more so they might not be able to find me. Some live on the streets and have gotten into things that they shouldn’t. I try to show them a better way...Some listen, some are just blind and also lack the ability to smell.
Once we moved, everything began to change. My human decided to get hitched to this male human that kept coming around. I was told that my human got a ring some time after the Elvis impersonator gig at the Strawberry Festival this summer. I didn’t realize what changes lay in store for me...
I moved once again, this time to a tiny little house NOT on the “West side”. We all crammed together - the two humans, Nina and Matt and four cats, Petie, Keiko, Little One and myself. We were packed in like sardines and my human says she is thankful that we ate them all as the smell would have driven her insane...the smell of sardines that is. Now it's not that I don't like other cats but these cats really get on my nerves and I think my scarred ears and nose prove it. For some reason these cats have really sharp paws. My paws aren't sharp at all. Still, that doesn't prevent me from going after Keiko and drumming on her head.
Ok so I am getting out of sequence. I should tell you about the humans wedding first. My human did go through with the ceremony. I heard she walked down the isle to an Elvis song which was not a surprise to me. She likes to play Elvis during the Christmas season. I’m not quite sure who this guy is but there are ornaments on the Christmas tree of him and from the pictures I have seen, he has a decent head of hair. The male human here doesn’t have a lick of hair except - on his back. I sometimes run into him in the morning coming out of the shower...
I do know that the weather was great for the wedding even though every weather station said 80% rain. I think at one point I was watching the news and it said it WAS raining. I leapt up onto the window sill and there was the sun shining brightly. The humans were blessed that day.
I was told that there were pink flamingos and pink cranes at the wedding. I forgot to ask my human to confirm that info. For those of you who were there, please pass on that information to myself and others and why didn’t she bring any home for me to munch on?
My human’s last name changed. She went from a simple one syllable name to three. Not sure that I understand the whole deal about changing names as I think it just causes confusion. Apparently she likes to do this. When I was little, my name started out as Elvey - I was named after that guy Elvis. I don't know, maybe I couldn’t live up to his name but she ended up renaming me Zippy. Not sure how I feel about that...oh look a bird! I’ll be right back...
Ok I am back. Now while the human’s were away on their honeymoon, they left the four of us cats to deal with numerous strange human’s comings and goings. One day someone shrink wrapped the toilet, the truck and the front entrance to the house. Oh, and they put Vaseline on all of the doorknobs. The female human was not pleased when she finally got into the bathroom at 3-am after driving four hours and not stopping...
Now from what I see between the two humans, I believe that this marriage was made in heaven. I think this because my human’s black velvet Elvis painting goes perfectly hanging in the bathroom next to the male human’s, flea market, black velvet, rottweiler painting. Now I like paintings of rottweilers especially on black velvet but I do not however, like real rottweilers.
I think the humans are happily married...well besides the times when the male human reminds the female human that she leaves the seat down on the toilet constantly.
They seem to have adjusted well but they do lack in sufficient communication skills (and they know this) so they started taking ham radio classes. I like to get on the mic at night while the humans are sleeping. There’s a Russian cat named Percy that likes to tell jokes.
Ok so on to more notes from my human...
My human did have sad news this year as two people she loved very much passed away. She wanted me to share that they will be truly missed and that their lives impacted all who knew them. Her Gram and her Aunt Nancy were women of great strength and courage.
She wanted me to talk about her getting to meet Luke Menard. You know, Luke Menard - the guy on American Idol...“Wake me up before you go go” Luke Menard...yeah that guy. He’s from Cornville. She went to a rally at the C’ville high school and took a photo of Luke and herself. When she got home we looked at the photo and all I saw was her face and someone’s ear. She says it’s Lukes...
In terms of RA adventures this year it seems somewhat tame. Earlier in the year they made a trek to Kentucky to visit the Creation museum. On the way there they saw the World’s Largest Chest of Doors (not a misprint), World’s Largest Rocking Chair and a big Pumpkin. The humans brought back brochures from the museum and apparently dinosaurs and humans co-existed. I was glad to learn also that I didn’t evolve from some type of primordial ooze. Oh look a chicken...be right back...
Ok I am back. I forgot, I am not supposed to discuss the trip to Kings Island where Matt got stuck on “the Beast”...so on to the next site.
The majority of the remaining attractions this year were seen on the human’s honeymoon. Not quite out of town they ran into the “Largest Fish Bobber”...well not sure what other type of bobber there would be actually. MMMM fish...They traveled through Indiana to the destination of Fremont Michigan where they rented a lake house. Fremont is the town of the Gerber Baby Food Factory. It was a gated factory and tours were no longer allowed due to 911. They came across the World’s Largest Weather Vane in Montague while on their way to an art museum. At the Frederik Meijer Sculpture Park in Grand Rapids they were able to view the World’s Largest Horse which is a 24 feet tall bronze statue. In the little town of Nunica they searched for a rumored replica of Stone Henge in someone’s lawn. They found it! And it was quite impressive but they found out later it was made out of foam and not of actual rock. The owner calls it Foam Henge. In Holland Michigan there was what is claimed to be the World’s Largest Picnic Table however, Nina says she saw a much larger table in Colorado. Pft.
In my human’s world of art she did participate in a few activities this year. One such activity is First Fridays where the businesses downtown stay open late the 1st Friday of the month. She joined other artists in showing her work and got a swell write up in the paper. She was interviewed by the editor and was quoted on how one of her coworkers hates her art. He calls it junk which is almost true. She makes a lot of her art out of junk she findes on the ground. She showed three paintings in the downtown art show this year and won Special Recognition for outstanding work not being a covered bridge.
She donated a painting named “Of two Minds” to an auction at St. Bernard’s Church. The residing priest bought the painting...there is probably a funny story here but I can’t currently find it.
So I really don’t want to discuss the economy. As long as there is cat food in the dish and cat litter in the pan, I can’t complain. As for the presidential election see the above sentence...oh and maybe I will be buying a hand gun. I will have to modify it of course - not having opposable thumbs and all. Hey look a bug...I’ll be right back.
Ok I'm back. Let's see, oh yeah, this Christmas my human retired the pink Christmas tree as well as the decorated pink mannequin. We now sport a silver tree with teal balls and Elvis ornaments. I guess she figured it would be a nice gesture not to make the male human succumb to the aura of pink glow goodness - for this year anyway. I’m colorblind so I could care less. As long as there is a soft tree skirt underneath and those funny hanging balls I can bat across the room, I am set.
Ok so I failed miserably at making this letter interesting, non-boring and short...I guess there is no hope for the Christmas slash New Years letter per sé. At least it will make a good fire starter.
God bless us everyone!
Oh look a milk jug ring...
The Zipster
Download free Pink Grace Christmas card pdf here.
 |
|||